A Season of Unfortunate Events:The Miserable McKay
by Bladelover
Summary: Rodney gets no respect, and not a whole lot of logic.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **A Season of Unfortunate Events: The Miserable McKay

**Author: **Bladelover

**Genre: **Humor

**Disclaimer: **Don't own 'em, just use 'em.

**Author's note: **Many thanks to **Madigirl** and **historygirl** for their endless patience as betas. They have a high tolerance for being pestered; I have a high capacity for pestering. It's a symbiotic kind of thing. Also, this was in the works well before _Common Ground._ Take that for what it's worth, or even imagine that this happened first.

Rodney strode toward Elizabeth's office, a man on a mission. He had something of substance to address with her, and he would not be distracted or diverted. He'd even taken the precaution of having a snack just before, to avoid being sidetracked by food.

The door was open, but he rapped sharply upon the wall anyway, just to satisfy any cumbersome obligations to protocol. Elizabeth, seated at her desk, looked up from her work to see him standing there, and waved him in.

"What can I do for you, Rodney?" she said, clasping her hands on the desk and smiling in what he'd come to think of as her _I'm a seasoned diplomat skilled in dealing with difficult people _expression. He seemed to see that one a lot.

The scientist folded his arms and tried to look like a force to be reckoned with. "I want to talk to you about my role."

Elizabeth smoothly put on the _Look how patient but stern I can be_ expression. "Rodney, I've told you before – people stealing food from your tray is not my—"

"No, no, no," he interrupted, "not R-O-L-L. My _role,_ the part I play around here."

Leaning back in her chair, Elizabeth now wore what he thought of as the _I'm so amused at the silliness of our resident genius _look. He thought she enjoyed that one, possibly a bit too much. "You mean being our chief scientist isn't a big enough job for you?"

He snorted, knowing it wasn't the most diplomatic noise to make, but then he wasn't the one with the vast repertoire of diplomatic expressions. "If _only_ that were all that's expected of me. Frankly, I'm finding myself being used for other, less dignified functions, and it's getting in the way of my established role."

She widened her eyes in the_ I'm very alarmed and responsible for this whole darned city_ look. It was not really appropriate for the topic at hand, and he wondered if she was using this conversation as a chance to practice. "I'm not sure I understand you, Rodney. What 'less dignified' functions?"

"I'm supposed to believe you haven't noticed that I've somehow become the default comic relief around here?"

Elizabeth may have been feigning unawareness, but he didn't really think so. She didn't appear to have a suitable expression at the ready, and that seemed to piss her off. "I have no idea what you mean, but shouldn't you be getting ready for your mission?"

Rodney stared at her, taken aback. "Oh," he chirped. "Right."

He scurried out of the office. He needed his vest, his instruments, his… Halfway to his quarters, he stopped to wonder at the fact that he'd been diverted from the conversation, after all, but continued with the mission prep.

As he changed into his off-world mission gear, he idly wondered if Elizabeth practiced all those expressions in the mirror.

"You're late, McKay," Sheppard snarled unkindly as Rodney rushed into the gate room. Teyla stood behind him and raised an eyebrow.

Rodney frowned at his watch. "I'm exactly a minute and thirty-five seconds late! Why make a big deal about that? Besides, Ronon isn't here yet."

"Sure, try to shift the blame to someone else. And someone you someone you consider and outsider, naturally. That's so like you, McKay!" Sheppard's expression was spitting poison-tipped daggers at the scientist.

"Someone I consider an outsi… What is with you?" Rodney said, gazing at Sheppard as though he'd just watched him spontaneously shave his head. "In fact, what's with _everybody_ lately? It's like you all suddenly have a different attitude toward me."

"Oh, sure! It's always about you, Rodney. Hey, Ronon!" Sheppard's face broke into a wide, affectionate grin as the fourth team member strutted into the gate room.

As he approached, Ronon began to juggle all twenty-seven weapons he routinely carried, occasionally catching one of the many knives in his teeth and spitting it back into the complex tossing pattern. By the time he reached the ramp, all the weapons were secured back in their respective places – hidden in a boot, buried in a dreadlock, strapped to a concealed body part – and Ronon was grinning like a teenage show-off. Sheppard gave an indulgent smirk and reminded him to be careful not to hurt anyone, "unless it's McKay." Teyla smiled at Ronon and raised her other eyebrow, the one that indicated approval rather than critical disdain.

"Okay, so, no one else wonders just where the hell that little display came from, hmm?" Rodney said, folding his arms petulantly. "I mean, come on – he's here for a year without showing the slightest interest in anything resembling fun or a personality, and now suddenly he's the lost Ringling Brother?"

Sheppard's expression hardened like quick-set cement. "Just do your job, McKay," he growled. "Okay, let's move out." As he walked toward the gate, he motioned to Teyla to follow him, and she did, after fixing Rodney with another Eyebrow of Disdain.

Shaking his head in wonder, Rodney moved alongside Ronon as they headed toward the wormhole. "Does anything seem, I don't know, horribly wrong to you?"

"No, but look," Ronon said. "I remembered how to smile, without dropping my chin and looking feral. Watch." He smiled like a human being with something to smile about.

Rodney nodded, impressed. "That's good. Very convincing. You don't think Sheppard was serious when he said you could hurt me?"

"Even if he was, I won't do it. Not unless he gives me a direct order."

"Ah, well, good then."


	2. Chapter 2

Amazingly, the mission was blowing up in their faces. The simple, trusting, and non-technological people they were visiting had suddenly brandished energy weapons and handheld computers, and the team had been forced to flee into the surrounding woods.

"God, this is so familiar!" Rodney exclaimed bitterly, his back pressed against something that looked suspiciously like an oak.

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "I keep telling you, McKay - _all_ planets are gonna have similar-looking trees."

"I'm not talking about the local flora, Colonel! I meant that I can't believe we fell for that fake-Amish routine all over again. You'd think we'd have spotted it this time out."

"Well, you were the one in charge of detecting hidden technology!"

"You're absolutely right. I should have paid more attention when the 'ray-gun hidden in woman's cleavage' message scrolled across the screen while I was scanning!"

"You got a message like that?" Ronon asked.

Ignoring him, Rodney frowned. "In fact, I wouldn't have expected to encounter this particular ruse ever again. I mean, what are the odds?"

Sheppard looked about to calculate them when a man dropped out of the tree Rodney was standing against, landing on his feet and pointing a large gun at the scientist's head. Rodney shrieked.

"Kolya!" Sheppard snarled.

"You didn't think disabling my strike team and trapping us in a hidden underground compartment on an alien planet after I'd threatened the lives of some of the natives would keep me down, did you, Colonel?" Kolya grinned evilly, throwing an arm around Rodney's neck and dragging him close, causing another shriek. "You're looking well, Dr. McKay."

"Wish I could say the same," Rodney stammered. "You know, something could probably be done with that scar…"

Kolya sneered and rubbed the scar against Rodney's face. Rodney shrieked yet again.

"Will ya please stop doing that!" Sheppard yelled.

"Well, excuse me if razor stubble irritates my sensitive skin! Besides, I can't seem to stop myself. It's the weirdest thing."

"Enough!" bellowed Kolya, and they all shut up, because when a bad guy bellows, "Enough!" it always means he's about to either kill someone or spout some detailed exposition that will come in handy later. For a brief moment, the only human sound was the oddly canine growling coming from deep in Ronon's throat.

Sheppard brought him to heel and rummaged around in his vest for a treat, then turned back to Kolya. "What do you want this time? I should tell you up front, we don't have any C-4 on us, and most of the worlds we visit these days save us some time by tacking up a 'No ZPM's here' sign right in front of the stargate. We also left Atlantis back in Atlantis, so we're fresh out of the stuff you're usually after."

Kolya laughed, an aggressively mirthless sound in Rodney's ear. "Not this time, Sheppard. What I want, I already have: your team."

Kolya tightened his arm a little for emphasis and Rodney squeaked. Next to Sheppard, Teyla shifted her weight while glaring wordlessly at Kolya. There was anger in the arch of her very active eyebrows.

"We never leave anyone behind!" Ronon shouted.

"What's _that_ got to do with anything?" Rodney demanded.

"I just…well, I get to say sentences now," said Ronon. Seeing Teyla glaring at him, he gave her an apologetic little shrug.

"I'll tell you what you will do now, Sheppard." Kolya pulled Rodney so that he stood directly in front of him, making a much better shield than Elizabeth had, since Rodney was all man-shaped and everything. "You will drop your weapons and proceed with me to my base of operations."

"I don't think so," Sheppard said coldly, keeping his weapon trained on Kolya. Which, given Rodney's predicament, was less than comforting.

"You do realize that I'm in front of him, right?"

"I'm not aiming at you."

"Yes, well, thanks for that, but unless you've got some amazing new smart bullets in that gun, aiming at i him /i currently equals aiming at _me!_ I mean, it's bad enough that we're repeating ourselves here. Do we also have to act stupid?"

Kolya sneered and positioned his head behind Rodney's. "He's right, Sheppard. You really don't have a choice this time. I know you value the lives of your team above everything, so if you want Dr. McKay to live, I suggest that you lower your weapon and—"

Sheppard swung the barrel of his handgun to his right and fired. The shot ricocheted off a tree and into Kolya's head. The former Genii commander crumpled lifelessly to the ground. Rodney shrieked, putting both hands to the back of his head and shrieking again when they touched blood and brain matter.

"Oh God, oh God! Am I hit? Am I dead? _Somebody get me a towel!_"

"You're fine!" Sheppard growled, grabbing his arm and tugging him roughly away from the body. "C'mon, we gotta find a place to hide. That shot will have given away our position."


	3. Chapter 3

They'd found a cave with an entrance that was fairly well camouflaged by brush and used it as a place to regroup and figure out their next move. "Rodney, is there anyone near our position?"

Still shell-shocked at being splattered with Kolya's little gray cells, Rodney just stared at him, uncomprehending. "How the hell should I know?"

Sheppard chucked him hard on the shoulder with a fist. "Use the damned life-signs detector! Get your head in the game, McKay!"

"Fine, head in the game!" Rodney pulled the detector from a pocket in his vest. "I'll just ignore the fact that you could've blown it _off_ with that little stunt back there, and work like nothing's happened. Plus, I'm not the only person who can use this thing, you know." He looked at the blips on the screen. "No, no one is near this cave at the moment. They mostly seem concentrated in the area of Kolya's body."

"Great. See if you can detect any energy readings, anything that will give us an idea what we're really up against here. Ronon, Teyla – go check out the gate and let us know if it's being guarded."

With a nod, Ronon and Teyla left the cave. Rodney set about scanning and trying to forget the blood and tissue that was drying in his hair. He was dimly aware of Sheppard lowering himself to sit beside him, their backs to the wall of the cave.

"I wouldn't have hit you," Sheppard said mildly, after a while.

"Huh?"

"You said I could've blown your head off when I took out Kolya. I wouldn't have. I was being careful."

"Careful? You just pointed and shot, like the gun was a Polaroid camera!"

"Yeah, but I'd calculated the exact angle needed in my head. I knew I was going to hit him and not you."

Rodney considered addressing the many variables in the scenario, such as the uneven bark on the tree he'd used for the ricochet, the unknown density of the wood that would have affected the trajectory, and the possibility that Kolya or Rodney might have moved slightly before the bullet arrived at its destination. In the end, it was just easier to keep scanning. His head itched, and he reached up to scratch it, then remembered why it was itching and yanked his hand back down.

"Here." Sheppard took out a cloth and began to wipe Rodney's hair.

"Uh… thanks."

"No problem. How's the scan looking?"

"Oh. Um… so far, pretty much nothing. I mean, there's a faint anomalous reading northeast of this position, but it's probably not worth looking into."

Sheppard had finished the hair-wiping and was crumpling the cloth to hide the results from Rodney's squeamish eyes. "Why not?"

"Well, because we're heavily outnumbered against an enemy with comparable-to-superior technology. I don't have much expertise in military strategy, Colonel, but our course seems pretty clear to me."

"Good point." Sheppard sighed and stretched one leg out, then grinned. "You know, this sort of reminds me of the time that Batman—"

"What are you doing?" Rodney said flatly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, what are you doing, as in, why are you suddenly acting chummy with me? All day long, you've treated me like your personal whipping boy, and now suddenly, we're all Butch and Sundance."

With a sigh that spoke volumes about the burdens of being friends with McKay, Sheppard said, "Well, let's just hope this situation works out a little differently from that one."

"Count on it. Running out to my certain death with guns blazing is definitely not on my agenda. Ever."

"Sheppard," Ronon's tinny voice said over the radio. "We're at the gate. No guards."

"Stay put. We're on our way." Sheppard broke the connection, then clapped Rodney on the shoulder. "C'mon, buddy. Time to make a break for it."

_------_

They caught up with Ronon and Teyla, who were staking out the gate from the edge of the woods. "We're clear?" Sheppard asked quietly.

Teyla dipped her head in an exotic nod, her wide feline eyes eloquent. Rodney wondered if maybe she had laryngitis.

"Okay, let's mo—"

Sheppard was interrupted by a barrage of energy weapon fire, all of which hit trees, ground, and brush alarmingly close to their bodies without actually wounding any of them. "To the gate!" Sheppard yelled as he returned fire, like anyone might be seriously considering another option.

Rodney let Ronon and Teyla take the lead, mostly because they ran a lot faster than he did. Sheppard brought up the rear, laying down some cover fire and nearly running Rodney over. "McKay! Get your ass to the DHD!"

"I'm trying! I'm running as fast as… I can't seem to…" He stole a glance at his feet, which felt as though he were running in big oversized clown shoes. Didn't he usually manage to run better than this? Hell, this wasn't his first time to get shot at.

A violent shove from behind reminded him that Sheppard was still screaming at him to run. "McKay! Dial the gate before we all get toasted!"

Stumbling up to the DHD, Rodney started slapping symbol buttons and wondered why the hell it always fell to him to do this. Seriously, how hard was it to memorize Atlantis' address? And any monkey could be taught to push buttons.

"Hurry!" Sheppard yelled.

Right. Like Rodney had control over how fast the gate dialed. He'd only dialed a few symbols when his right boot suddenly exploded as it was hit by a energy weapon blast.

"_Oh my GOD!_" he screamed. "I'm hit! I'm really, really hit, and it HURTS! It-hurts-it-hurts-it-HURTS!" He doubled over, and seeing his disadvantage, Kolya's men begnn concentrating their fire upon the area surrounding the DHD.

"Fall back!" Sheppard was shouting, and Rodney did. "Get up, dumbass! I meant, fall back to the woods!"

"Right, because running will certainly be possible when my FOOT is disintegrated!" Sheppard could be so dense sometimes.

Before Rodney even finished that thought, Ronon had scooped him up and tossed him over his shoulder, without even breaking stride as he loped away from the gate toward the woods on the other side.

Sheppard and Teyla spread out, alternately running and shooting, protecting Ronon's retreat with the wounded scientist. Once Ronon reached the cover of the woods, he set Rodney down gently and then stood with his back to a tree, reaching out to fire his blaster weapon to help their other teammates reach safety.

Teyla was about twenty feet behind Sheppard when she was hit by a blast from an energy weapon. She'd fallen to the ground and wasn't moving, as far as Rodney could tell. Sheppard had turned back, trying to reach her, but the enemy was moving in fast. Rodney could see he wouldn't make it, and Ronon darted out to intercept, dragging Sheppard into the woods.

Teyla's position was quickly overrun, and Sheppard gave the order to fall back further into the woods. "We're just going to leave her?" Rodney asked, confused.

"We don't leave people behind!" Ronon shouted.

"Yes, well, that's sort of what I'm asking about, here, because it looks to me like—"

"Shut up, McKay!" Sheppard snarled. "If you'd dialed the gate when I told you to, this wouldn't be happening!" He turned to Ronon. "You help him. We'll find another hiding place and figure out a way to rescue Teyla."


	4. Chapter 4

"We've sure been lucky in finding caves on this planet," Rodney mused, grunting when his injured foot tapped the ground as Ronon lowered him to the floor.

"Yeah," Sheppard muttered, "lucky."

"Gate'll be under guard now," Ronon said. "We won't get another chance to slip through it."

"No," Sheppard agreed shortly. He looked at Rodney. "Check the life-signs detector. I don't want to be caught with our pants down."

There were blips everywhere. "Doesn't look promising for an escape," Rodney told him wearily, "but I think we're safe for the moment."

The radio clicked, startling them. "Colonel Sheppard," said a familiar voice.

There were frowns all around as Sheppard said, "Kolya?"

A low chuckle conveyed little genuine amusement. "I thought you would want to know that Teyla's injury is rather serious."

"Well, then we should get her to a doctor as soon as possible," Sheppard said evenly. "Just leave her at the gate, and we'll take it from there."

"I wouldn't dream of moving her in this condition."

"Speaking of injuries," Rodney said suddenly, "you, uh, seem to have made a remarkable recovery, yourself." One hand stole up to the back of his head, feeling the stiffened hair briefly.

"I think you'll find me to be amazingly resilient, Dr. McKay. I'll always come back. How is your foot?"

"What do you want, Kolya?" demanded Sheppard.

"My demands haven't changed since you shot me, Sheppard. I want your team. All of it. Any less than all four is of no use to me, so you can count on me to keep Teyla alive until you surrender… and to kill her if you do not."

Covering his microphone, Rodney muttered, "I really hate this guy."

Sheppard said, "I need some time to think about it, Kolya."

"You have five minutes." With that, Kolya was gone.

"You notice that no one ever thinks to mention how long a minute is on whatever planet we happen to be on?" Rodney asked. "I mean, a 'minute' here could be twenty-three of our seconds. How can we be sure we won't miss the deadline? It's a complete lack of attention to logistics."

"Shut up, Rodney. Ronon, go scout the area. See if you can tell where they're holding Teyla, anything you can find out."

As Ronon left, Sheppard knelt beside Rodney, who was worrying his shattered boot. "How's it feel? Here, let me help you."

Gently, Sheppard removed the boot, careful to avoid causing additional pain. Even so, Rodney gasped and whimpered as the boot came off. Closing his eyes, he asked, "How bad is it?"

"Looks mostly superficial," Sheppard said, "far as I can tell. The skin's been pretty badly burned, but nothing's actually been, um… blown off, or anything."

"Oh, GOD! I so didn't need to be reminded that that could have happened!"

"Well, at least we're not dealing with a permanently crippling injury," Sheppard said, smiling.

Rodney frowned suspiciously. "All right, that's it, knock it off. I'm pretty sure I'm getting whiplash from these attitude changes."

"What are you talking about? Look, we have to come up with a plan here. There's no way we can surrender to Kolya."

"No, really? You think a cold-blooded killer who can regenerate his own exploded brain is maybe bad news?"

"Yeah, what's up with that, anyway? I _know_ he was dead. How the hell is he alive now?"

"Short of using a Goa'uld sarcophagus, I have no idea." But he was already frowning. "Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Shut up, I'm thinking."

As the silence stretched, Sheppard repeated with a little less patience: "Unless what, Rodney?"

"It's just a theory, of course, but what if he's cloned himself?"

Blinking, Sheppard stared. "He could do that?"

"Well, I don't know, but I do know that the Ancient database in Atlantis refers to some technology that can be used to clone living things. We haven't found such a device in the city – not yet, anyway – but there's no reason not to think that there isn't one somewhere in this galaxy."

"That anomalous energy reading you detected…"

"Very likely the cloning process, yes, if there is in fact cloning taking place here."

"Okay, so Kolya and his entourage, searching for the means to mount a counter-coup on the Genii homeworld, happen to stumble onto this cloning gadget, and by an amazing coincidence, _we_ show up. Doesn't really add up."

"I don't pretend to have all the answers yet, Colonel. I just provided you with a feasible – and let's face it, most likely correct – theory to support the facts we do know. The real question is – how does it help us?"

"Knowledge is power, McKay."

"And breakfast is the most important meal of the day. So what? Teyla's still a prisoner of a sadistic nutcase, and we're almost out of time, assuming he meant our normal minutes."

Ronon slipped into the cave, looking just a bit smug. "Think I know where they've got Teyla. Took out a few of Kolya's men while I was out."

Rodney raised his eyebrows. "How many?"

"Eighteen, maybe twenty."

"We need to have a talk about words and their meanings. We'll start with 'few.'"

The radio crackled. "Time's up Sheppard. What is your answer?"

"Hang on, Kolya. We're dealing with an emergency at the moment." Sheppard was stalling until he could get Ronon's intel.

"What sort of emergency?" Kolya demanded.

"It's… McKay. He's… throwing up."

"Oh, there's an excellent dodge," Rodney hissed. "Be sure to toss in that the dog ate our homework, and Ronon just washed his hair and can't do a thing with it."

"Shut _up,_ Rodney!"

"Colonel Sheppard! I need your answer now!"

His mike covered, Sheppard looked at Ronon. "Is there a shot at winning this?"

"I think so. Not a huge one, but we've seen worse."

Nodding, Sheppard said, "All right, Kolya, you win. We'll surrender."


	5. Chapter 5

"We are so dead, so completely and emphatically dead," Rodney told them as he hopped along. Ronon had fashioned a makeshift crutch so that he could walk to his certain doom under his own power. "You realize that I can't really help defend us if we get jumped, don't you? I can't use the P-90 properly with this stick in my way."

"You can't use the P-90 properly when there _isn't_ a stick in your way," Sheppard said.

"That's not true! I've handled myself pretty well in combat a number of times." Rodney frowned. "It's just that sometimes, it seems like I forget how, or something."

"I've noticed that," said Ronon, glancing around for potential ambushers as they walked. "Sometimes you just deal with the bad situation, and other times, you panic and scream. Why is that?"

"Okay, this is the where we split up." Sheppard stopped, the other two flanking him. "Ronon, you take that direction. I'll head this way. And McKay—"

"Right, I'm the lamb-to-the-slaughter portion of the program. Have I fully conveyed the extent to which I think this plan sucks? He said he wanted all of us, you promised him all of us, and yet here I'll be, walking into this all alone. Our pal Clone-ya is _not_ going to be pleased."

"I'm not worried about pleasing him."

"Yes, and why is that again? Oh yes, it's because you'll be somewhere out of sight, with a gun, whereas I'll be in plain view, disarmed and completely at the mercy of a man who _has_ no mercy. A man you're deliberately pissing off."

Sheppard sneered. "Five seconds with _you_ will piss him off!"

"Oh, thank you, Colonel Sybil. How many of you are in there, anyway? Maybe one of your other personalities would be willing to listen to my very legitimate concerns."

"You wanna stop worrying about your own skin for a minute, McKay?" Sheppard snarled. "This is the only chance we have, the only chance Teyla has. Anyway, I'll be watching your back."

"Great, but I'm pretty sure it's my front Kolya will be shooting."

"Depends on whether you panic this time," Ronon said seriously.

Sighing, Rodney watched them take their separate paths before continuing on his own toward the designated meeting place.

_------_

He didn't hear the approach from behind until there was a gun barrel at the base of his skull. Another man emerged from behind a tree to Rodney's right.

"Dr. McKay," Kolya said, drawing the words out menacingly as he stepped closer to Rodney.

"Hello again," Rodney answered weakly. Kolya gave a nod to the person holding the gun to Rodney's head, and an arm reached around to take his P-90 and handgun. Rodney offered no resistance, turning slightly as the other man checked him for additional weaponry, which of course was just plain silly. "You certainly don't know who you're…" He stopped with a gasp as he realized the person searching him was _also_ Kolya.

Kolya Two just sneered. Kolya One actually chuckled, but his eyes remained cold and serious. "Sheppard said you would all come in together."

"_You_ said you'd come alone," Rodney said, glancing at K2 pointedly.

"And I did."

Rodney shrugged. "Guess I can't really argue that one."

"Good," K1 was saying, taking a knife from a sheath, "because we have other things to discuss, Dr. McKay. Such as the location of Sheppard and the other member of your team."

"Ronon," Rodney squeaked, then wondered if that was something he should have kept secret until… well, until the knife became more than just a prop. Then again, what harm could come from giving him Ronon's name? It's not like it was an old shirt that the Kolyahound could sniff and then go locate Ronon by scent.

He felt his eyes growing large as K1 came toward him, holding the knife prominently before him. Licking dry lips, Rodney said, "Really, Kolya, we've played this scene already. Don't you ever get tired of the same ol', same ol' torture routine?"

"When something works, I see no reason not to use it again." The crutch fell to the ground as K2 suddenly yanked Rodney's arms behind him. K1 came closer still. "Besides… this time, it won't be your arm."

_Yay, variety._ Breathing hard, Rodney was fully focused on preparing himself for massive amounts of agonizing pain, yet still spared some brain activity for wondering just when the hell Sheppard would progress from watching his back to saving his ass. Given the proximity of those parts, moving from one to the other shouldn't present too great a…

The sound of gunfire coincided with the now-familiar sensation of someone's head exploding right behind Rodney's. K2 crumpled abruptly, taking the scientist down with him. "Not again!" he yelled, scrambling to get out from under the corpse and trying not to think about the condition of the hair on the back of his head.

Meanwhile, K1 had abandoned his knife in favor of aiming a gun into the woods, presumably at whoever had shot his clone. _His_ head exploded before he could pull the trigger. The fallout spattered the front of Rodney's tac vest. "You have _got_ to be kidding me! It's like front row at 'Gallagher: Live From Hell!'"

"McKay!" Sheppard stepped out from a bush. "Get up, grab your weapon!"

Shooting erupted from various positions all around, and Sheppard pulled back under cover. Confused, Rodney found his P-90 and hugged it to his chest, crouching and flinching as the bullets and energy blasts flew. Evidently, the two Kolyas hadn't come "alone" after all. He crawled with remarkable speed to a large tree and positioned himself in a way that he hoped would prevent his becoming a target. This plan really did suck after all. He felt vaguely vindicated, if still likely to die.

He peered around the tree and saw someone dart out from one to another, seeking a better spot from which to shoot at Sheppard. He frowned as he saw who it was. "Okay, seriously? This is ridiculous." Raising his P-90, he fired a few rounds at the latest Kolya, who in turn took aim at Rodney. Trying to become one with the trunk of his sheltering tree as an energy blast scorched the other side, Rodney mused that shooting was a lot more fun when no one shot back.

When his tree started taking fire from a second direction as well, Rodney began to think in terms of, oh, running for his life. Of course, today that meant _limping_ for his life, which would have been more easily accomplished had he remembered to bring the crutch during his mad crawl to cover. This day just kept sucking harder and harder.

The sounds of battle amped up a few notches, and he saw Sheppard on the move, trying to get to Rodney's position. "Little cover fire would be nice!" he shouted. With a put-upon sigh, Rodney dutifully began firing the P-90 in a wide arc. He caught glimpses of Kolyas dashing from tree to tree, rolling behind bushes, and – oh yes – shooting back at him. "I swear to God, this is beyond repetitive."

"What? Getting shot at?" Sheppard asked as he dove against a tree a couple of feet away.

"No, that's business as usual. I was talking about the clones. Does it ever seem to you like someone downloaded the SGC mission report database and emailed it to the entire Pegasus galaxy?"

But Sheppard had stopped listening and was lifting his weapon to fire. For a brief, hysterical moment, Rodney thought he was finally going to shoot _him,_ but it turned out he was just trying to nail a Kolya who'd managed to get around far enough to have a clear shot at the scientist.

That one was history, but there were plenty more where he'd come from. Rodney watched, horrified, as dozens of heavily armed Kolyas emerged for a concerted assault. It was way more terrifying than, say, seeing them all lounging about a penthouse apartment or something.

Just as it was occurring to Rodney that there was far too little tree between the two of them and the advancing commander clones, he felt Sheppard tugging his arm, dragging him back in an attempt to find better cover. Hindered by his injured foot, Rodney heard and felt the energy blasts zinging past, knowing that soon one would be connecting with some part of his body. Again.

Sheppard's arm was around him now, half-lifting, half-dragging Rodney as they frantically sought protection. They fell behind yet another tree, a larger one, but the Kolya Krew had them dead to rights; it was only a matter of time – minutes, maybe seconds – before they were overtaken.

A body dropped out of a tree. This would have gotten Rodney's attention even under normal circumstances, because people don't drop out of trees every day, but it was particularly striking at this moment because, as he hit the ground, he lobbed something like a grenade at the approaching Kolyas. In fact, he lobbed a couple of them. Highly effective they were, too.

The air was filled with dust and noise, and their rescuer turned toward them. "Get up! More will be on the way."

Wordlessly, Rodney looked at Sheppard, then back at this latest, and strangest-acting, Commander Kolya. When neither of them moved, the man said, "I'll explain on the way, but we have to get moving now if we're going to rescue Teyla."


	6. Chapter 6

They were nearing the compound that Ronon had described as the place he believed Teyla was being held. Sheppard had been reluctant to collaborate with the renegade clone, but had told Rodney there wasn't time to argue the point. Rodney was more than a little unsettled about the impromptu alliance because – Hi! Clone of a cold-blooded, murderous, sadistic Bad Guy! But he had taken out a big clump of his fellow cold-blooded murdering sadists, and saved their asses for the time being, so maybe a bit of leeway was called for.

Sheppard had insisted that Turncoat Kolya (and wow, didn't that almost sound like the name of an action figure?) lead the way, to prevent him from launching a surprise attack on them from behind. Rodney thought about pointing out that a surprise attack from the front might be almost as deadly, but what was the point? There was a second person present, which meant that none of the Three Faces of John would listen to Rodney anyway.

"He's been creating clones for months," TK was saying, hardly winded even at the fast pace they were keeping. The crutch was starting to rub Rodney's armpit raw. Applying antiperspirant was going to be a bitch tomorrow. "I was one of the earliest produced. As such, I've had more time to think about his rhetoric, more time to do a little research into the current state of affairs on the Genii homeworld." He stopped talking and moving, holding up a hand to stop and silence them as well. Voices were heard, and TK motioned them to hide. All three men crouched, tense and silent, as two more clones moved through the area about fifteen feet from their position.

When they'd resumed moving, TK continued. "It's my belief that the Genii suffered under Cowan's paranoid leadership. His policies of pre-emptive strikes and betrayal of allies only put the people at greater risk. The consensus now seems to be that Ladon is leading the Genii to a better life, a more peaceful existence."

"Glad to hear it," Sheppard said warily.

"Yes, I'm thrilled to hear of the happy ending," Rodney said impatiently. "What's this got to do with us? Why are you helping us?"

"Because Kolya is creating an army. He intends to invade the Genii homeworld and reinstate the kind of government and policies that he supported under Cowan. I'm not going to let that happen."

"Well, good luck with that and all," Rodney said, grunting from the now painful chafing of the crutch. A pad would have been a brilliant idea. "I still don't see what you get out of helping us. Not that I'm complaining, of course."

They were at the edge of the clearing now. The compound was a primitive-looking structure on the outside, intended to maintain the illusion of a non-technological society. Idly, Rodney wondered about those villagers. Were they Genii refugees, like Kolya, or merely simple people pressed into his service? He shrugged it off. They weren't likely to see them again, anyway.

"I'm helping you, Dr. McKay, because he plans to make a great number of clones of you and your team. Your diverse talents would be very useful in perpetrating a coup, and in maintaining control afterward. I'm sure you'll agree that preventing that is in both our interests."

"Huh. Well, yes, I would agree."

Sheppard had been studying the complex. "I don't see any guards."

"That's odd. There are usually six, spread all along the perimeter."

"Ronon must've taken them out. He's good like that." Sheppard turned toward TK. "So, you're gonna help us get Teyla and escape the planet. What are you looking for in return?"

TK took a deep breath. "I want you to take me with you to Atlantis. I want your assistance in contacting Ladon to warn him of Kolya's plot. The support of you and Dr. Weir would greatly increase my credibility with him."

"Yeah, that's a great idea," Rodney snorted. "Did Scarface happen to fill you in on what he did the last time he paid us a visit? Because you kinda look like him, you know?"

"I'm well aware of Kolya's transgressions against your people. I'm willing to go in unarmed as your prisoner, until you and Dr. Weir are convinced of my sincerity."

"Thanks, but I'm not big on taking prisoners."

"He's talking to _me,_ Rodney." Sheppard gazed for a while at this intriguing version of Kolya. "Okay, it's a deal. You get my team out of that compound and safely to the gate, and we'll take you with us."

Between the two military leaders, a quick plan was devised. It involved a lot of stealthy creeping around and a lot of running. It also involved all three of them. "Um, 'scuse me?" Rodney said, raising a hand. "Don't you think it would be best if I waited out here as the lookout or something? Inside, I'm just going to slow you down with this foot."

"Yeah, great idea. Then when you're inevitably found by one of the Kolya's, they'll have a hostage, and we can have just one more hurdle to jump."

"Right, because it's an absolute given that I would be caught. You know, Colonel, I would expect even you to be able to grasp the physics of how much faster two able-bodied men can travel if they're not burdened with a man using a primitive crutch. I just… What are you _doing?_"

Sheppard had pulled a Wraith stunner, which Rodney hadn't even realized he was carrying, and aimed it upward, apparently at a tree branch. He pulled the trigger, stood up, and used the end of his P-90 to swat at something in the tree. It fell to the ground with a soft plop, and he picked it up, holding it out for Rodney to see.

It looked a lot like a beehive.

"Okay, so," Rodney said, leaning away from the inert lump of potential gasping death. "Last one inside the compound buys lunch."


	7. Chapter 7

The first time they encountered a Kolya clone inside the compound, TK pretended to have captured Sheppard and Rodney, then clobbered the clone when he turned his back. They had dragged him into a nearby storage area and moved on. They repeated this tactic several times, and Rodney began to boggle at the sheer number of storage areas present in the place.

"Shouldn't we be running into Ronon sometime soon?" Rodney asked irritably. Crutching around on a covert op was no fun whatsoever, and he didn't care if crutching wasn't really a verb. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the plan was for him to get inside, find Teyla, then meet up with us and get the hell out."

"Keep your voice down," Sheppard hissed.

"I'm just worried that he may have gotten sidetracked by the temptation to barrel through the place knocking down clones like bowling pins, and let's face it, we can't afford—"

"He'll find us when he's secured Teyla. The man does his job."

"This way," TK said, slipping into a room.

"Was that your way of implying that I don't do _my_ job?" Rodney demanded in a harsh whisper. He stopped talking and gaped at the sight before him.

There were five metal-based elongated pods covered with glassy domes. Each one contained Teyla. He was sure that his momentary breathing trouble was due to the shock of discovering she'd been cloned, and not because each of the clones was naked.

"This console controls the process," TK was saying. "I don't know how it works, but I know it can destroy clones as well as create them."

"Wait!" cried Rodney. "We can't just… I mean… these are _Teyla._"

"Yeah," Sheppard said uneasily. "I'm not sure we can just… kill 'em."

"Gentlemen, these are copies of Teyla's body, but her consciousness, her memories, haven't been duplicated yet. Kolya will alter them in a way that suits his needs. At best, these women will be perversions of the Teyla you know. And in any case, they are not yet viable."

"You mean, they're not alive yet?"

"That's right."

"Well, that's different," Rodney said, frowning. "I guess."

There was a moment of silence, then Sheppard said sharply, "Well? Get to it!"

"Get to what, exactly?"

"Get to that console and figure out how to… you know, make them… unusable."

"Oh, right, forgot about that new addition to my job description: 'abortionist.'" Rodney stepped up to the console and began to decipher how it worked.

TK walked back toward the door. "I'll patrol the hallway and try to prevent interruptions."

Sheppard joined Rodney at the console, looking over his shoulder. "Figured it out yet?"

"Yes, because it's just that simple! Destroy a human clone in three easy steps."

"Take it easy. I was just asking."

Rodney sighed. "My apologies, Dr. Jekyll. Anyway, I think I do have some idea how this is set up." He indicated various knobs and buttons as he spoke. "This initiates the scanning of the original organism, this processes the data, this initiates the creation sequence. And I think that this button here is the failsafe, the button you press when the results aren't quite what you were aiming for."

"And that will destroy the clones?"

"Presumably, yes." Rodney bit his lip, glanced up at the pods, then looked back down. He'd do it, yes he would. Any minute now. He almost jumped when Sheppard put a hand on his shoulder.

"Rodney, I don't think Teyla would want copies of herself running around the galaxy. Especially perverted copies created by Kolya."

"You're right. She wouldn't. Right. So." Rodney briefly pondered the concept of perverted Teylas before taking a deep breath and pressing the failsafe button.

A great deal of nothing at all changed in the pods. "Nothing's happening," reported Sheppard.

"Yes, thanks, I can see that. Next you'll be explaining that the ceiling is 'up' and the floor is 'down.'"

"You said it would work."

"I said 'presumably.' I've only just seen this thing for the first time! It's not like I can..."

They each looked at the pods, which were now filling with some kind of white smoke.

"Ah, yes, there. I was right. It's working." He clapped his hands together and said, "Now," and knelt beside the console as he started prying a panel loose.

"Now what are you doing?"

"Sabotage. I want to make sure this thing can't produce any more clones." Pulling the panel free, Rodney began to pull crystals from the interior of the console.

"Good thinking." Sheppard glanced at the door, then crouched beside Rodney. "Look, when we get to the gate, I want you to handle the dialing."

"I always handle the dialing. It's like you think the smartest person in the group has to be the one to dial the gate."

"Yeah, but this time... I don't want you to dial Atlantis."

Rodney stopped what he was doing momentarily. "You're going to double-cross him."

"I'm protecting the city, and the Athosians, from a very real potential threat. We have no way of knowing what this guy's motives really are. All we have is his word."

"And all he had was yours." Rodney was shoving crystals into pockets in his tac vest. "I guess the fact that you actually said, 'It's a deal' is irrelevant."

"I know it sucks, but there's a lot more at stake here than my honor. If it turns out he's just playing us, people will die. I can't take that chance."

"Well, what's one more mortal enemy in a whole galaxy full of them? Besides, this is practically official SGC procedure by now. Where do you want me to send him?"

"Any uninhabited planet will do. We'll send him through first, then shut down the wormhole behind him and dial Atlantis. Just choose a place that won't, you know, kill him the minute he steps out of the gate."

"Oh, okay, thanks." Rodney had stood up and was shoving the remaining crystals into the pockets of his BDUs. "See, I probably would've sent him to his death if you hadn't said something."

At that moment, TK made an unexpected and uncontrolled entrance into the cloning room, apparently not by choice. Ronon, who was carrying an unconscious Teyla as well as TK's weapon followed him.

Ronon nodded toward TK. "This guy was about to ambush you."

"Actually," Sheppard said, a little sheepishly, "he was being our lookout." He quickly explained the situation, then turned his concern to Teyla. "How's she doing?"

"They treated her wound, but she's feverish and talking out of her head. She needs to be in the infirmary."

"She's been talking?" Rodney couldn't help asking. All he'd seen from her the entire mission was eyebrowspeak.

TK looked at the pods. The white smoke was dissipating, leaving the clones inside covered in a white residue. "I see you found the means to destroy them."

"Yes, turns out smoking really is bad for your health, even if you're not technically alive yet."


	8. Chapter 8

Their passage through the compound was unobstructed. "Now, this is the kind of escape I like," Rodney said. "Simple, unimpeded progress, with a distinct lack of..."

They exited the compound to see dozens of Kolya clones lined up along the perimeter, weapons aimed in their direction.

"Shit," said Rodney.

"I'd say there's no lack of shit here," Sheppard corrected tensely.

One of the Kolyas stepped forward, wearing an air of ease and command. "We finally meet again, Sheppard. You were certainly in no hurry to keep our appointment."

"Well, you know how it is with tender reunions. Wanted to take our time, make ourselves pretty."

"Okay, before we go any further with the hero/villain banter," Rodney interrupted, "I just wanna know: are you the real Kolya? Because I hate dealing with sockpuppets on the internet, let alone in person, and especially at gunpoint. Ow!" He rubbed the side of his head where Sheppard had flicked him roughly.

"Rest assured, Dr. McKay, I am Kolya Prime, the original."

"Kolya Prime," Rodney muttered derisively. "Pretentious much? I hate it when people insist on using titles that— Ow! Stop flicking!"

But Sheppard ignored him. "'Scuse me," he whispered to TK, then slung his arm around the clone's neck and put his pistol to the man's head. "All right, just back the hell off," he yelled to Kolya Prime. "I don't wanna hurt anybody else, so just let us pass to the gate, and I'll let this one go."

"Brilliant," Rodney snorted. "Wait for it..."

Kolya Prime sneered. "As you can see, I have plenty of clones of myself. And that one has obviously betrayed me, so you'll be saving me the trouble if you kill him now."

"Knew it," muttered Rodney smugly.

"Okay, bad idea," Sheppard admitted, releasing TK. "But maybe _this'll_ get your attention." Before Rodney had any idea what was happening, Sheppard had an arm around _his_ neck, the gun barrel pressed firmly against his temple.

"What the HELL?" He'd meant it as a roar, but it came out more of a squeal.

"Trust me," Sheppard said softly. "Ronon?"

Rodney couldn't see it, but he heard a movement and felt Sheppard's head being pushed slightly, and realized – demented as it seemed – that Ronon had put his blaster to the colonel's head. Beside them, TK nudged his weapon through the Satedan's dreadlocks.

"All right, here's the deal, Kolya," shouted Sheppard. "You need us alive because you want us cloned. Dead, we're no good to you. So either you let us pass right now, or we'll blow each other's heads off."

"The worst, most talentless writer in the _galaxy_ would never come up with anything this moronic!" Rodney grumbled breathlessly.

"You don't seem to realize, Sheppard, that you're also no good to me once you're safely through the gate. If I can't capture you alive, why should I let you leave?"

"Because then you'll at least have another shot at us someday."

"_That's_ your argument?" Rodney noted that his voice was heading for dog-hearing range. "For God's sake, just give him what he wants!"

Even he wasn't sure which "him" he was talking to.

"I mean it, Kolya!" Sheppard snarled, jamming the gun a little harder against Rodney's head and ignoring the whimper of protest. "We won't let ourselves become tools for you to use against the Genii, or anyone else. We'd rather die."

"Of course, some of us didn't get asked," Rodney grunted.

Sheppard was getting good at ignoring Rodney. "So I suggest you just put your weapons down, make a hole, and let us pass."

After approximately two and a half eternities, Kolya Prime gave a signal, and the Attack of the Clones was averted as they all laid their weapons on the ground. The Guns To Their Heads Gang began to move _en masse_ (Rodney almost giggled as the image crossed his mind of the cast of _The Mary Tyler Moore Show_ shuffling across the newsroom in a group hug), and the sea of clones grudgingly parted to let them through.

When they'd made it several feet past the line, Rodney couldn't hold it in any longer. "You do realize, don't you, that there's nothing stopping them from picking up those weapons right now and—"

"Run!" shouted TK, suiting action to instruction. Sheppard _finally_ pulled the gun away from Rodney's head and followed, tugging on Rodney's arm. Seconds later, the area was rocked by a massive explosion that knocked everyone to the ground. Rodney had lost his crutch in the melee, and TK was suddenly helping him up, pulling him along toward the woods.

"What happened? How did you know that was gonna... did you...?

"While I was standing guard in the hallway, I planted a few explosive charges," TK yelled, keeping Rodney on the move.

"You could have used that tactic earlier and avoided that whole unfortunate suicide pact scenario."

"We were standing too close to the compound," Sheppard said, pushing Rodney from behind to indicate that an increase in speed would be appreciated.

"Excuse me! Lame man running here!" He watched Ronon lope past with Teyla in his arms, looking rather like a gazelle. "Show-off!" Rodney panted.

The explosion had bought them some time, but not much. More and more, energy blasts from Kolya's energy weapons stung the trees and foliage nearby, providing additional incentive to pick up the pace. Rodney's injured foot screamed each time it touched the ground, but since feet don't have larynxes, Rodney was obliged to be its voice.

Finally, the gate was in sight, but the pain in Rodney's foot was almost unbearable. Ronon had put Teyla down to help Sheppard cover TK as he helped the scientist to the DHD. "Dial!" shouted the clone. "They can't hold them off for long."

Now that the moment was at hand, Rodney felt extremely self-conscious. Did this clone know the Atlantis gate address? If so, he would certainly notice that Rodney was dialing the wrong address. But as luck would have it, TK turned away and began to shoot, and Rodney hurriedly input the address he'd picked out.

The gate engaged and the wormhole formed just as the full force of Kolya's clone army had begun to emerge from the wooded area. Sheppard and Ronon were working their way back toward the DHD. Seeing that the gate was ready, Sheppard looked at TK and shouted, "Go on! We'll be right behind you."

TK turned to Rodney. "Have you input the code? The one to let them know it's your team?"

"Uh... well, I always do that, of course," Rodney fudged. Before he could lie any more transparently, an energy blast slammed into the DHD, setting his sleeve on fire. He fell to the ground and rolled on the arm to extinguish the fire. The next thing he knew, TK had lifted him to his feet and was all but carrying him up the ramp toward the gate. "Uh, no!" he yelled. "I mean, you go ahead. I'll wait for the others... No, you go..."

But by then, they were passing the event horizon, and in wormholes, no one can hear you scream.


	9. Chapter 9

It was a lovely evening on MK9-673. A light breeze was blowing as the first sun was setting, while the second one waited politely for its turn. The air had an earthy scent, and was filled with the exotic song of some bird or other.

It would have been a lot easier to appreciate if Rodney hadn't been flat on his back staring into the barrel of an energy weapon inches from his face.

"This is not Atlantis," TK said coolly.

"No, it isn't."

"This was not an accident."

Rodney took a short moment to consider before answering, "No, it wasn't." When his captor failed to say anything else or to lower the weapon, he licked his lips and said, "For the record, I chose the nicest world I could think of."

Yeah, that really didn't sound as mollifying as he'd hoped.

"Toss your weapon away," the clone commanded. Rodney did as he was told, careful not to actually touch his face to the gun still hovering right freakin' _there._ TK kicked the gun further from Rodney's reach, then pulled away a couple of feet and lowered the gun slightly. "Sheppard agreed to the deal. He said you would take me to Atlantis. It appears that you Atlantians are lacking in honor."

"No, really, we have honor, lots of it," Rodney said quickly. "It's just that, um... well, we don't seem to use it in certain situations."

"I risked my life, turned on my own kind, to help you and the others escape!"

"Yes, that's the type of situation where we tend to forget the honor bit. Don't ask me why. It's a flaw, granted. But nobody's perfect, right?"

TK's expression remained stony as he turned his gaze toward the gate. "Why haven't they followed? I'm sure they didn't expect you to go through the gate with me."

"No, that definitely wasn't part of the plan. And they can't follow, because I'm the only one who knows what address I dialed." Rodney sighed miserably. "Quite frankly, I'm not entirely sure the others know _how_ to dial. They generally leave that to me. It's really kind of annoying, them being so dependent on me for that. For almost everything technical and crucial and impossible, really. And no one even seems to appreciate it!"

TK nodded absently. "When I was... that is, when Kolya Prime was working for Cowan, he was always kept in the shadows, forgotten, like a shameful secret everyone knew but no one wanted to acknowledge. But when a dirty job needing doing, Cowan always called on Kolya. And the job got always done, and Cowan was satisfied, and there were never any accolades, no public recognition of his contribution."

Snapping his fingers excitedly, Rodney sat up a little straighter. "Exactly! And I'll bet that they ridiculed him, called him names. Whiner, complainer, ego-maniac..."

"Monster, cut-throat, ruthless..."

"Hypochondriac, geek..."

"Cold-blooded, heartless..."

"Wow. You know, who knew we'd have so much in common? Hey, can I stand up?"

TK shrugged. "Go ahead." He continued staring through the inactive gate, a faraway, lost look in his eyes. Rodney got to his feet and realized that the clone wasn't bothering to keep the gun on him anymore. He looked pretty melancholy, actually, and kind of lonely. Rodney felt sorry for him.

Not sorry enough to stay or anything, though. "Um, can I... I mean, are you... you're not gonna... keep me here, are you? I mean, like a prisoner, or something?"

TK turned and fixed him with an intense but inscrutable stare. "If I did, I'd be just like him, wouldn't I?"

"Frankly, yes. Good point, actually." Aware that he hadn't gotten a definitive answer, Rodney pushed ahead. "So, if I were to say I'd like to leave now..."

Holstering his weapon, TK waved toward the gate. "You're free to go. I wouldn't recommend going back to that planet, though."

Snorting, Rodney said, "Yes, thanks, I have no intention of going back there. Ever. More than likely, the others went back to Atlantis to regroup and try to figure out where we went. I'll just head back there and relieve all their minds of the worry they certainly must be feeling."

"Certainly," TK said, a ghost of a smile turning up the corners of his mouth. "After all, you're in the company of a heartless monster."

"Well, I could have brought you to your knees at any time with the power of my complaining. We were actually pretty evenly matched."

TK turned and began to walk away. "Good luck, Dr. McKay."

"Hey, um, so... what are you gonna do now?" For one insane moment, Rodney was convinced the answer would involve the word "Disneyland."

"Reflect, ponder, plan." The faint smile TK shot him didn't do much to make the answer truly comforting.

"Yes, well... good for you. Best wishes, and so forth. Um..." He gestured toward his gun, lying unattended. "Okay if I take this with? They yell at me when I don't bring them back."

TK only laughed and continued walking away. Rodney dialed Atlantis, input his IDC, and hurried into the wormhole.

The gate room was a madhouse. Marines were training their weapons at the open wormhole, waiting to see if they would get to shoot someone. Beckett was getting Teyla onto a gurney, prepping her for the infirmary. Elizabeth stood nearby, hugging herself and wearing the _I can't believe I've lost **another** damned expedition member_ look, and Sheppard was glaring over his P-90, clearly expecting the worst.

"Everybody can relax!" Rodney said, nervous but cheerful. "Nobody here but us astrophysicists." Behind him, the wormhole disengaged.

Beckett was the first one to get in his face. "Rodney, what happened to you?"

"Nothing, I'm fine, really. Turns out he wasn't such a bad guy, after all. He—"

"Not that, you bloody git! Your foot! I was told it was so bad you could barely walk on it. Just more of your bloody exaggerations, was it?"

Rodney frowned down at his injured foot. He was indeed walking on it. "Huh. How the hell did that happen?"

"Another pathetic play for attention!" Beckett exploded, then spun around to follow Teyla's gurney. "I have no time for pretenders, Rodney. I have real injuries to attend to."

"Carson, I... I swear, it was really _hurt_ before! Where's Ronon? He'll tell you!" But Ronon was busy pushing the gurney, looking rather like someone training for luge competition.

Elizabeth approached. "Rodney, I'm very glad you—"

"I know, you're glad I'm back, safe and sound. It's gratifying that you—"

"I was going to say, I'm glad you didn't put anyone else in danger with your recklessness out there. From now on, stick to Colonel Sheppard's plan. Now, report to the infirmary, just in case you did manage to get injured."

"'Just in case?' Elizabeth, most of the skin is burned! I don't know why I can walk on it now, endorphins maybe..."

Rolling her eyes, Elizabeth turned and headed back to her office. Rodney was gaping at her back when Sheppard appeared at his side, glaring in obvious fury.

"That was sure one lame-ass stupid stunt you pulled out there."

"Why does everyone think I did it on purpose? Do you honestly believe that I would ever, in a million years, voluntarily accompany the clone of a known murdering bastard to a deserted planet with no back-up and no chance of rescue?"

"Just get your ass to the infirmary," Sheppard growled. All around, Marines sneered at Rodney, as though he'd just eaten the last candy bar in the city.

He was walking a quiet hallway, halfway to the infirmary, when he realized that Sheppard was walking alongside him. "What now? Am I exceeding the speed limit of this corridor?"

"Nah," Sheppard said mildly. "Just thought maybe all those crystals you've got stuffed in your pockets might be getting a little heavy. I can carry some if you want."

Rodney stared mutely, which was a genuine rarity, like an Athosian contraction. When he didn't answer, Sheppard stopped, his hand on Rodney's arm. "Seriously, buddy, what happened on that other planet? He didn't hurt you, did he?"

Rodney suddenly had a powerful wish that there had been some clones made of Colonel Sheppard. He would have taken great satisfaction in smoking them.

- end


End file.
